April 06, 2010

Things I Hear At Work

November 12, 2008 -

I have a pretty laid back work atmosphere where I go to work.  I get to wear t-shirts and jeans to work every single muthafucking day.  It's always a casual week for me.  Fuck that "Casual Friday" bullshit in other places.  I go casual every weekday or I don't go at all.  That's how I roll bitches. 

My desk where I work is in the back away from all of the "suits".  We end up rarely getting a visit from a manager or higher up and we pretty much just drop off of the companies radar as time goes on.  We sit back in the back of our building in almost a warehouse type of room.  Our cubes are right next to a large inventory cage with massive amounts of hard drives, RAM and miscellaneous spare servers in a tall room with no windows and only 1 set of double doors coming in.  This means we can be as loud or as quiet as we all want to be because nobody really comes back here.  Usually when they do though we get fair warning (I knew those detectors I installed would come in handy). (Think teenager with a red lamp above his bed to notify him of his parents coming up the stairs.)

My co-workers and I get to surf the internet at will, play music at high volume, and have enormously HR offending conversations.  For Stars home games, I normally play my Pantera - Dallas Stars theme on my stereo which is set to 11 around 4:50pm..... And yes, I do have a pretty kick ass Creative 2.1 stereo system that I belt out anything from mind numbing Nazi marching style techno drum and bass, to Neil Young and classics like Bob Marley.  My music palette goes all over the place, I'll just say that (and I include some great viral online videos too).

My co-workers end up having to put up with my music that I listen to because the way our cubes and room are setup.  These aren't "real" cubes.  These are half cubes with small desks.  The desks are part of a small 6 cube line, with 3 on each side to even things out (I am on the end next to a small test bench).

We hear almost everything each other is doing and sometimes "prairie dog" to include ourselves at will with conversations taking off or going downhill pretty quick when we start talking about ladies, relationships, and of course cougar hunting.  But today, as we started getting our dragging asses on a roll to start the day, we started the conversation on the good ole standby of past relationships. 

My co-worker H-Bomb first asked me if I ever had "blood dick" from fucking a chick that is on her period, I replied, "Yep, it was thankfully in the shower and on the bed after the fact with a towel underneath."  The next logical question in his brain was if I got my red wings or not, to which I replied, "HELL NO!"  Next was if I ever had a stinky pussy, "Yes, I suffered through it to get out of a dry spell of course."  Next he added the question, "Have you ever had a vagina that tasted sweet?"  I of course said, "Yes, no real taste at all, but a slight tinge." I then asked my buddy which one he would like to have and I suggested he would be all up in a guys hairy sweet asshole if he could get the chance.  Gay jokes, gotta love 'em.  He mentioned that he is still looking for a girl that had Monster energy drink coming out of her tits, and her vagina tasted like Mountain Dew.

For me the next logical step in my crazy brain was, "That's simple, all you have to do is create a product called "Mountain Douche"........."

God I love working in an HR free zone.......