Can you get ass fucked by a Blackberry? Because I did........
Wednesday wasn't a very good day for me. It started off okay at work and I got most of my tasks done that needed to be done. My buddy Adam had secured some tickets for me and a friend to go to a Stars game that night to see the lucious Hagman/Richards/Miettinen combo on the ice. Well, I being the great fan that I am am always up for seeing the Stars. I don't care if we are going up against the Red Wings and I just KNOW that we are going to lose (sometimes not by my boy Hagman for putting in the only goal in that game) I still want to go and hear the airhorn and jump out of my seat. It's a great experience and a good way to watch people in between periods.
Previous to Wed. I had car problems. Monday I drove home with my car pretty much in limp mode all the way home. Usually I could stop the car in a safe spot, turn the car off and back on again and I would be fine. But this time....... nope. The car was in limp mode and sounded like a lawnmower for the entire time. So I turned the car off at the gas station and tried to start the car. Crank crank crank, sputter and then dead. Crank crank crank, engine revs to about 850rpms and then dead. What the hell? Not enough fuel or something? I don't know. I called Will to tell him about it. I had had some random misfires in the engine but nothing major. I at first thought it was cool and might have been attributed to exhaust burble. But this? This was pretty serious. I couldn't start the car. So while I was on the phone with Will I reset the cars computer completely. Trip 19.......L_on, L_off, etc. and then Trip 21, then reset. Got it!
Tried to start the car again and gave it some gas this time as the car turned over. Now I was ALWAYS in limp mode! :( The car roared to life and I was able to get home safely. Now I had to be able to get to work and possibly make it to the bar? No way. Not gonna risk it just to get three beers closer to my UFO goal (which according to my calculations I am now 13 trips behind :( so if anybody wants to go up to the Flying Saucer and drink with me on a day OTHER than Tuesday let me know). I had to get to work and then drive my car up to Will's on Tuesday. Alright, no big deal, I can do that! Well, it was a little harder than that.
My gas gauge was right at half a tank as I left for work on Tuesday and started in. I got to 35E and the 635 turn and traffic started to slow down. Oh great. Just what I need with a car that is starving for fuel........idling. So, as I sat in a little traffic heading towards 35E I let the car sit at idle a few times and as I started to give gas again the car would jerk and throw hella fits about it not getting enough fuel. Finally on a decelleration from traffic the car sputtered and died going about 15 miles an hour on 635. Luckily I made it onto the shoulder and was able to reset the car again and get the lawnmower car started again. I made it into work after that incident and made it up to Will's after that without issue. My gas gauges was currently at 1/4 tank now! WTF!!!!!
I ended up having to ride in my buddies Explorer at work to go get our ritualistic .89 cent Popeye's special. You get a leg and a thigh for .89 mutha fucking cents bitches! Are you kidding me! I eat like a king there on Tuesdays! Get me two of those specials and a biscuit just for shits and grins and I'm out the door with less than 4 dollars out of my pocket! TAX AND ALL! It's really sad the routine I have gotten in at work. Mondays are double chicken fried steak meals for 4.99 at Grandy's off of Regal Row, Tuesdays are .89 cent specials at Popeyes, Wednesdays are 2.99 shrimp basket meals at Church's, Thursdays are up in the air and Fridays are anything too......
But anyway, getting off of my food habits, I dropped the car off at the shop around 6:30ish after traffic and made it back home safely and proceeded to get my car back the next day around closing time (5ish). That's what I was told it was probably a 3 hour job at max. They already had the part they needed and I should be ready before lunchtime. No biggie right? Well, this is where the plan goes out the window. You see, there is another certain person that spends a lot of dough ahead of me that would get some special treatment in fact. Screw the easy quick job. But I get ahead of myself. This person just HAD to have their custom work done that day so they could have their car that most of its life has spent under a garage bay and never gets driven.
My plan was to get a ride into work and get picked up after work at 5 and then head straight to the shop to pick up my car like I have had to do before. Then make it back down to downtown at the AAC in time for the game, beers, Stars, and great times would be had by all. I make the connection of Shaun of the Dead where Shaun is coming up with different scenarios of getting them out of the predicament they are in:
Shaun -"Alright! We'll go to my mom's house, get mom and Evan, take the Jaguar, go back, get Susan and friends at her flat, then we can all head to the Winchester and have a few cold pints until this whole thing blows over."
Friend -"Well what if Evan turns out to be a zombie/monster? Your mum did say he was sick?"
Shaun -"Alright, well, we will go to my mom's house, get mom, KILL Evan, take the Jaguar, go back, get Susan and friends at her flat, then go back over to the Winchester and have a few cold pints until this whole thing blows over."
That's kind of how my mind went as time progressively passed on Wednesday before the game and I was expecting a phone call any minute through out the day.
Me -"Alright, if he calls now I can get picked up, go to the maintenance shop, pick up the car, pay the bill, take the MINI, drive like a bat out of hell back, and then sit up in the stands and watch the Stars win! GOOD TIMES!"
So anyway, as time passed it switched to "come back and watch the second and third period," and then "just watch the third period there" and finally just "not go at all." It just sucked! I really honest to goodness can't blame anybody for what happened, I guess I'm just a sucker for making plans around what somebody told me to be how it would go down and turns out it didn't. So I had to eat the tickets and not go see the Stars, even though they lost to the Coyotes 2-1 on Wednesday. I still would have loved to be there to see Winchester get into that scrum and then minutes later score on Brysgolofphft :P or whatever his name is in goal for the Great One's crew.
But what really hit home and was most of the source behind this blog was what I saw and heard no less at the gas pump on the drive home...... We pulled into the Exxon station and picked a pump for the drivers side. Across from us was a very nice dark grey (dork silver) BMW. Probably a 3 series by the looks of it. I got out and scanned the card and got an oh so sweet smell of petrol that tickled my nose. Glorious fumes. Wait, I did eat a lot of paint chips as a kid. But I immediately heard this guy talking. Was he just chatting with the person on the passenger side of the car? Because I did hear two voices. Maybe the window was rolled down? You know, sometimes you do that just to keep the conversation going that you were having in the car? But I continued to pump and watched the numbers start to tick by and kind of leaned out to see this guy pumping gas while talking on the cell phone. Complete. Total. Idiot.
He was decked out in a nice Oxford collared shirt and some dark blue pleated khaki's with those little dress shoes with those nipple tassle things made out of leather? You know those little things! I only see them when I go to church once in a blue moon. And don't forget the dark blue matching cris-crossed triangle socks to go with the pants and the leather woven belt. He even had the nice watch to go with the whole gettup to know just how long he had been talking on the cellphone with his co-hort while he pumped his gas. But thats not just it, he could have ALSO been smoking a ciggie for all I know the way this guy was an idiot.
And what of that other voice I heard? Oh wait, there wasn't anybody in the passengers side. It was the person he was on the phone with. I could literally hear the conversation from 7 feet away at an Exxon station near a major street intersection. Just crazy.
Douche - "Hey Susan, could you please get with Evelyn in Accounting and get those claims and returns on my desk for tomorrow morning."
Susan -"OKAY SIR! I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU AND GET WITH EVELYN ON THOSE ACCOUNT SHEETS YOU ASKED FOR!"
And it went on like this for the entire time I was pumping my 40 dollars worth of gas. I basically got ear raped by a Blackberry by some douche at a gas station.
Douche - "Whats that Susan? What's it feel like to be thrust inside a 25 year old man's ass? Well, if you must know........" (proceeds to stick the Blackberry up my anus........SIDEWAYS NO LESS!! )
I really wanted to punch that guy though. I normally don't listen or watch the news because I honestly feel its not for me. Why do I need to know which snack packs are being recalled if they have already been taken off of the shelf and put into my cart? Why do I need to know if my Tostino's pizza rolls possibly have goat meat in them if I think goat meat is better? Why do I need to know if some teacher in Denton is banging a small kid if I haven't already dressed up in overalls and pretended to be a 4th grader? Why do I need to know all of that crap? You look at the world in a little bit different way than if you were to constantly wonder whats around the next corner or what could possibly get you infected, sick, and what household items could possibly kill me. I would think that since this guy HAS watched the news and knows of certain dangers that he wouldn't be talking on the cell phone while pumping gas? Oh well, guess not.......sometimes people continue to choose to be dumbass douchebags. Well, I hate expensive people. And I don't want to be that guy. And I especially don't want to wear those gay ass fucking socks. So in the end he who has the most money gets the priority, and gets to be stupid and not care in doing so at the gas pump (or in any situation for that matter). So if I can steer the course away from this life and that means living in my little world that I am currently in and eating .89 cent specials on Tuesdays for the rest of my life, then by goodness I will do it and I'll even throw in that extra biscuit too.......
