March 20, 2008 -
1. I can throw a foam ball across all 6 of my coworkers cubicles against a wall and it will bounce right back into my hand. Sadly it nicked my Dallas Stars bobble head ice rink and kinda tore off a piece of Turco's shit mitt. I swear, that thing looks freaking HORRIBLE! Thank you little kids from the Philippines!
2. I have Miller Lite finger-less gloves that I got from a Stars Watching Party sitting on my desk with what looks like random clear goo liquid flakes from something? Maybe a Honey Bun that I set on top of them? I don’t know? But I can’t really be manly and tough with these cool beer gloves with fatty schmegma on the top parts.
3. I love that my boss brought in a guitar to work and has it at my arms reach whenever I feel the need to belt out a funny song. I usually play the guitar and my buddies around me will "flow" a few verses about all sorts of crazy stuff. We’ve sang about Popeye’s Chicken, hot supermodels on the internet, crazy stupid people from Myspace, and a few "van wreckers" even have a song about them (to the tune of "Hair Dresser") but my favorite song that I myself came up with was about this story that just continued to get worse and worse.
It was about me wanting some cookies that my co-worker had gotten from Quizno’s or something. Then I started to say that I wanted his MUTHA-fucking cookies! Then it turned into I was asking a mom for some cookies. But no, it got better. And the twist that I put at the end was that I was underneath the covers in an 8 years old bed and I was asking Susie’s mom to go back downstairs and get us some cookies for "build-a-fort" time. WHAT?! How did that come out? I’m in a little pink bed in a girlie decorated room and I tell a mommy to go back downstairs and get some MUTHAFUCKING cookies!?!? Sounds crazy I know but the way it came out it was simple and funny, and I just had to twist it a little bit and make it completely out there and wrong.
4. Why do I have a Conan the Barbarian Limited Edition Action Figure and see his loin cloth and kinda wonder what the hell that guy has just past the fabric? Wait.......WHAT? :P Just kidding.
5. I have 30 HR Violations and 18 Gross/Ass/Gay Violations on the Inventory Board. Every time I say something that wouldn’t fly in "corporate" offices and talk about crazy stuff my buddies go ahead and notch me a HR violation. And the Gross/Ass/Gay notch is for something that I say that is over the top on the gross scale. Just means taking things too far.
6. When I answer the phone most of the time I answer with "Yellow?!" instead of "Hello?"
7. Even after a bunch of years I still continue to quote Bud Kilmer and any of the West Canaan Coyotes from Varsity Blues.
8. Sometimes I wish I was a rat and could be up inside the A/C vents walking around in the cool maze of office buildings. Living the life in the cool air, dropping down in the break room for food instead of hanging out in NYC or California.
9. Whenever I hear the song "Route 7" by a band called Hoover my buddies and I all "flow" stupid lyrics to that instrumental song. It’s just a great song (although short) to spit out rip and rhymes (like DYLAN).
10. I’m very happy that I get to listen to music on my 2.1 stereo setup at work. My days would be overly stressed out and monotonous if I didn’t. But I get to watch and listen to all sorts of new things out there on the internet and constantly find new and interesting bands. Most of the time they are great but, other times I wish I would have shot myself 30 seconds ago before pressing play.
That’s all for now I suppose, better get back to work! PEACE GUYS!
