April 06, 2010

Easter Weekend

March 26, 2008 -

Yes that's right.  Just had a weird Easter weekend last week.  Did the normal stuff I guess you could say, but in my head it was weird.  I guess I am that type of guy.  I sit here in the Comfort Suites in Houston drinking a Rolling Rock beer (my 4th of the night) and enjoying the dark hotel suite with a little iTunes music set on shuffle.  My weekend Easter weekend was uneventful to say the least, but as most of you know I tend to pick up on weird instances and extrapolate them completely out of proportion.

The first instance was Saturday.  I stayed out Friday night with my buddy until 4 am playing Rock Band and earning stars and fans.  I slept in most of the day Saturday (around 2:30pm) when my mom hit me up as I lay on the couch all sprawled out with no shirt on and my scruffy beard blowing in the wind.  It was probably just the fan up a little too high but it felt like a "super model" fan shot.  Anyway, she then instructed me that they were going to be heading out to church at around 3:30pm.  I had barely even set the timer for the oven to kick on and start heating up for my Tostino’s pizza.  That gave me 10 minutes for the oven to heat up, then 14 for the pizza to cook, and a little less than 30 something minutes to sit in my sloth-like state and enjoy my pizza and watch mindless television.  Hackers was on I believe and I enjoyed watching that with Angelina Jolie.  They sat down in front of her "supposed" kick ass laptop that she had just got and all of the geeks in the movie were "oohing and aahing" over it spitting out things like "It’s got a 300mhz front side bus and was even equipped with a hella fast 28.8 baud modem."  Are you F-ing kidding me! I can PISS faster than that and the servers I work on today (the crappy ones that are broke) have a 1333mhz front side bus! SHEESH! Just showed a sign of the times back in 1994 I believe?

Anyway, I sat and watched Hackers for as long as I can before I went back upstairs to change and put on some nice jeans and a nice collared shirt (tucked in for once).  I wet my hair and combed it completely forward (pics in St. Baldrick’s Gallery) to make it nice and neat.  But yet my hair continues to have curls on the back of my neck and I can’t ever get that one part to lay down.  That is one thing I am NOT going to miss when I shave my head completely bald.  But I got dressed and tried to brush my beard as best as I know how.  I haven’t officially gone overboard and bought a "beard comb" or the like to keep it nicely shorn.  I tend to like the scruffy pirate look and don’t really care how it looks.  I will kind of miss stroking it and running my hand down my chin and underneath feeling the hairs.  I kind of lift my head up and it reminds me of a dog lifting his head up when you scratch that certain part of his underside and he kind of sticks his neck out.

I fix myself up semi-decent and head downstairs and get into our van.  It takes us over to the location for church and what do you know it. There are about 30 guys in orange vests and walkie-talkies guiding cars in and out of the parking lots.  They essentially tell you what way to turn in, to form a line going into the parking lot, then direct you what aisle you need to turn down, and then even what parking spot to pick.  All of this follow the leader stuff.  Be a part of the crowd bullshit.  Like sheep.  Herding of sheep, or a flock.  But you know what? Sheep get fucked in the ass sometimes by redneck hillbillies.  So yeah, I want to be a part of that. But not really.  But I walk towards the building anyway and see the "expensive people" that I touched on heading in.  All of them are clean shaven and look like they shave every 30 minutes.  They tan.  They heat pan seared pea snaps.  Hell, they probably ask for goat cheese on their pizza (to tie in the goat/sheep reference).  They look at me like I have an aborted baby stapled to my face.  Like they have never seen facial hair in their life.

Well, in reality I really didn’t want to go to church at all that day.  The church my family goes to sometimes just doesn’t suit me.  It’s one of those rock and roll concert type churches that is laid back and easy going.  I swear if a homeless person wanted to watch a free concert with a band and light show they can just walk into this place and get front row tickets for the Jesus Extravaganza.  I guess its one of those things that irks me.  And it would be one thing if all of the teens and all of the 20 somethings went there for an "alternate" service besides the normal church activities, but when you go see elderly people there, people like your parents also there who think its cool and hip with the "new" Jesus message, then something just isn’t right.  I guess its a subliminal message inside my bones that tells me that parents and kids are supposed to be completely separate entities.  Kids are not supposed to like things that parents like (like esparagus and grits) and older people are supposed to grow out of the "yummy phase".  Just a little take on kool-aid, shells and cheese, fruit roll ups, and lunchables.  When do you ever see an adult with one of those? HA! Never!  Well guess what......I eat all of them shits.  But when you get older you are supposed to change and can at least handle the more adult meals.  I make the same statement as above but only reversed and about grits.  No kid in their right mine liked grits (at least I didn’t).  But over time I grew to love the crap out of some good grits and butter.  I have no idea what grits are? Maybe a weird version of breakfast rice? I don’t know.  But damn is that stuff good.

And also parents aren't supposed to like what kids like, its just common nature.  And if parents DO start to like and be a part of what the younger generation is doing then that means they are messed up, don’t have any adult friends, or want to be young and whorish again.  So anyway, I force myself to go and get inside and get this abortion over with.  I walk in and the informational video of random images of spikes and a crown of thorns done to a bass drum "push" are playing on the 4, count them 4, LCD jumbo-trons.  They are the "cool" filler that show all of those images in an artistic manner and want to inspire you and make you feel some faith.  But we get a seat in the back under the balcony and the laser light show begins with a band up on stage playing christian rock.  I sit and watch as the production value goes out the window and they shoot the ceremony like a rock concert.  Boom cameras and the like pan over the crowd and you would think U2 was playing up on stage with the  LCD screens changing from bible inspiration images to video of the band and crowd.

The rest of the ceremony goes off without a hitch.  They don’t have an actual preacher get up on stage and do a sermon. Oh no.  This is better.  They have a video streaming up link in HD to the OTHER laser light show in Plano where the preacher is and we watch a video of his sermon.  Greatness.  But that's not where my blog takes a turn.  It was actually on the ride home.  After being part of the herd for more than an hour and a half we headed out and got into the van.  Once again, even leaving that place doesn’t mean you get to do anything on your own.  You have to be guided out by the tag team men of the lord who share walkie-talkies.  So you get out of the parking lot and think you get this sigh of relief? Oh no.  You get to go out to the world and get told EVERYTHING you need to do.  How you are supposed to do this, how the order is supposed to be kept.  How you are supposed to get in line for groceries? And how you are supposed to drive and how you are supposed to act.

As I was on my way home in the backseat, we approached a red light and the cars started to back up all around us.  I looked out of the windows and saw a small clearing with what looked like 30 or so birds in it just pecking around in the grass.  I seriously thought of just F’ing with all of those people stuck in line at the light sitting there in their SUV in a mindless haze.  Just run out in the grass and scare the F out of the birds and send them shitting all over their freshly washed (paid for the wash of course) sport utility vehicle.  So at that moment I just wanted to change things up and make things "out of the ordinary" for those sheep out there.

I have a distinct car: MINI, check.  I am growing out a scruffy beard, got that.  I wanted to shove large plastic Easter eggs up the Easter bunny's vagina, that way, she would (or he) would get to crap out extra large pellets.  And my personality is just way off and I think of this crap.  I’m sorry guys.  This little moment just stood out in my mind and I had to share it with you guys.  I know I have an off kilter sense of humor sometimes and for the most part I let it out into the world and it touches a lot of people I come in contact with.  But with some of the small moments like this I really don’t need to share it because it would probably be too much......

Anyway, take care guys, I will see you on the bald side of the moon.......hope you had a good Easter......