April 06, 2010

Fuck You Ashley Of Flower Mound!

February 17, 2008 -

Well, on Friday of this past week I was headed home in the cold February evening.  I slipped into my car and plugged in the ipod.  Usually my schedule consists of listening to the Adam Carolla Show out of LA in podcast form on my drive into work.  It's great, and isn't your typical Dallas morning radio show.  There are no time updates, no weather forecasts, no traffic reports, nothing like that.  It's strictly a talk show in Adam's sense of the word.  And being from LA I kinda  like that its not the standard formula of morning radio, traffic, weather, news, news, weather, traffic, time, and then they start all over again without ever getting into any deep conversations.

On the way home from work this past Friday I turned on my normal after-work routine of sorts.  I start listening to the Distorted View show podcast.  It's a one man show of all of the most fucked up and out there stuff out on the internet.  Most of it is usually porn related, but he does have a tendency to play new audio from all sorts of things that he thinks is funny.  My new favorite audio clip is this homeless man screaming out all of this gibberish that makes no sense.  He doesn't play my favorite "Don't taze me bro! Don't taze me!" but I get that from Adam Carolla from time to time.  It's his favorite!  But I pulled out of work and headed up 35E listening to the show which has always tickled my distorted funny bone.  I actually got to hear completely crystal clear audio of a guy cumming into a shot glass!  What would you think the girl is going to do with that right? Shoot it correct? Oh no! Not on this show!  She grabs a nice little red/white straw and begins to snort it up her nose like cocaine.  The audio of this actually made me bust out either laughing and also almost get a little sick to my stomach.  I could hear the liquid going up into the straw as well as small chunks of stuff.

I continued on my way home listening to more stories from around the world that tickled Tim (Distorted View)'s fancy and got up to the Bass Pro Shop area.  Now, this is where the fork in the road happens.  I could have done two things.

A) I could have stayed on 635 in a long one line traffic jam and get off at Bass Pro and continue home like normal.
B) Take the exit early and cut through and meet back up at 2499 and head down that way to the house. Or........
C) I can get off an exit early like above and go the back way, it might be backed up but it is a tad bit faster, and plus I can also cut through the Grapevine Mills parking lot its even hella faster to bypass all of that other stuff on 2499.

I chose to go the C) route.  To go the back way this time.  Take a few turns and I'm over in front of Bass Pro cutting over to the mall.  Take a left into the parking lot and start to drive into the parking lot and to go around the movie theater, etc. that is a little faster.  I get to a stop sign and what shows up on my right made me want to punch a baby in the face.  It made me want to punch a baby, and then put it in the freezer and then microwave it to get it back warm again! :P  I looked over to see an H2 Hummer fully stretched limo at the stop sign there.  Now, I see limos all of the time in DFW, hell, I see Lamos, Ferraris and all sorts of other cars but this one just twirked my hairy nipple just a tad.  It was a big mutha and it even had the big ol blinging rims to go with it.  But what it said on the side of one of the blacked out windows drove the knife home.  It read, "Happy 7th Birthday Ashley!" in white shoe polish.

Are you kidding me? A 7 year old gets a fucking H2 blinged out limo to take them over to that crappy Chuckie Cheese with the stupid animatronic animals who are supposedly "in a band".  It just hit home to me that this really is Dallas.  And this is how things are.  I can remember my 7th birthday back in Fort Smith, Arkansas at Crystal Palace skating center.  Pretty much a skating rink with a few arcade games and even a DJ booth that was elevated but with limo tint.  You had to put song requests on a sheet of paper and send it through "bank teller" style.  My parents rented out a little room for about an hour or so there at the skate park and we had crappy Sam's club pizza and coke in those small weird styrofoam cups.  About 10 of my best friends showed up to skate and partake in the store bought cake experience that IS Crystal Palace.

So, I just wanted to send out a blog to say FUCK YOU to Ashley in Flower Mound.  F you for having a much better childhood than me! F you for taking advantage of that right now and then going back when you are older and outdoing what your parents did to you when you were seven.  But, in the end I know that when Ashley probably gets to be my age she will look back and pick the right path and someone or something will show her what its like to be 7 in a 2020 or something. I guess she'll look back and see some 7 year old and watch him in a hovering F-18 jet or something with tint and blinging rims that has an LCD screen on the side that reads "Happy birthday J!"  It will be my kid Ashley! So there! Suck on that piece!  We'll be rolling up to the ice rink in a fucking F-18 bitches! I'll see all of you asses there! :P

Just wanted to say that.  If I had picked any other way to go home I would have never seen it.  I guess I was supposed to see that.  It was supposed to remind me where I came from, and also where I am going.  I appreciate everything my family and friends have ever done for me.  Even those few times my buddy Brian went up to the concession stand and got a refill on his Suicide drink just so I could have some........:D

P.S. If you see or hear of any Ashley up in Flower Mound that looks 7 be sure to slap the shit out of her and tell her Happy Birthday for me!