November 04, 2011

It's Friday, So I Like To Fuck Off

With it being Friday and all, I like to fuck off in various ways throughout my day.  Not only at work, but with everything I do.  Seriously though people, we should band together, rise up and make Friday a real "fuck off" day in the work world.  Screw all that bullshit Occupy San Diego and Occupy Oakland (which I didn't even think WAS occupied because of the Raiders) people just go through the motions on Friday, show up for 8 hours and then go home.  Why go through the trouble of wasting money, gas, and time as you sit in traffic to come to the office and go home at the end of the day.  I say have everyone work from home on Friday.  Yeah that's right.  Everyone.  Respond to e-mails, set things up and prepare for the coming week, and be done for the day.  That's all you need to do on Friday.  I don't care if you're a CPA that still deals with paperwork or a guy out in the heat digging ditches.  There is something you can do on Friday to prepare for the next week.  And if you don't?  You need to quit your job because you and your job are worthless.

I often get those random bots through instant message at work that annoy the piss out of me and want me to go to a website for a free VCR (seriously? who uses those things anymore?) or to find cheap canadian pharmaceutical drugs. Basically they just want to find out my age/sex/location in order to Craigslist-style butt-fuck me.  Well, today is Friday, and since I don't have anything else going on, I decide to mess with one of them.

(3:39:49 PM) wilmapellishymk: hey r u there?
(3:39:58 PM) McCullster: nope
(3:40:08 PM) wilmapellishymk: hey!!! my naem is Stephanie, wuts goin on, wanna chat :)

Infantile thirteen year old spelling of "name" is supposed to throw me off from thinking your a bot?  What is this, To Catch A Predator now?  You have sweet tea and cookies all made up for me too?

(3:40:14 PM) McCullster: yeah sure
(3:40:27 PM) McCullster: as long as you'll be my mommy

Obviously I just want to get this over with as soon as possible.  I usually hint at a few things and then drop the bombshell, but in this instant, I'm ready to get into the action.

(3:40:38 PM) McCullster: and change my poopie diaper
(3:40:46 PM) McCullster: I'm all stinky down there
(3:41:09 PM) McCullster: and I really want mommy to help.  She usually sucks it out of my ass and cleans my bottom up with her face
(3:41:15 PM) wilmapellishymk: I got ur name from the aol messenger directory, im bored lookin for someone to talk to hahah, so wut r u doin??

Does any of that stuff I previously said even register?  I basically said I want this person to suck shit out of my ass (preferably with a straw), and they glaze over that statement.

(3:41:29 PM) McCullster: I'm just sittin' in my highchair
(3:41:33 PM) wilmapellishymk: what's a bot??

Oh I see, they're trying to throw me off by having a conversation with an imaginary person or something.  This statement really lets me to know that these are real people that have "telemarketing assets" or a list of copy and paste statements in order to communicate in a quick manner.  I see it all the time when you "chat" with a service person.  They have a set of question that they will answer quicklike and just copy and past that shit into the chat window.  This clues me into the fact that this is a professional operation at least.
(3:41:48 PM) wilmapellishymk: cool, i just got home from work... 7 hour shift, nobody was there so i got to work out hahaha, perks of workin at a gym ;)
(3:42:01 PM) McCullster: I got my sippie cup filled with appie juice

I don't give a shit about your day bitch.  I want you to talk about my day and what I'm doing right now.

(3:42:25 PM) wilmapellishymk: lol ya i keep my booty tight hahahhaha well thats what they tell me ;) wanna come see what i look like?

Um, I just got married.  So no, I'm not interested.  I'm still in that "awesome married hitting skins" phase.

(3:42:45 PM) McCullster: it fills up my diapee with yellow liquid
(3:43:07 PM) McCullster: and then mommy takes it and holds it up above and squeezes the juice out on her face

I'm going to just sit back at this point and let the rest of the conversation just play out, because at this point, I had just annoyed the person on the other end of this chat window and I'm sure they just tuned me out.  Also it was just me going off on this person and continuing the story of this male adult (let's call him Justin), approximately 29 in age, sitting in a high chair at home, drinking out of a sippie cup and surfing the net on a laptop.  Just put that mental image in your head, as well as a mother who would come home from a long day at the office and the first thing she does when she gets home is hold up a diaper of said man's pee pee juice and drink it down and splash it all over her nice business suit.

(3:43:13 PM) McCullster: will you do that for me?
(3:44:19 PM) McCullster: I go poopie all the time
(3:44:55 PM) McCullster: mommy are you there? I thought you were going to come home after you worked at the gym?
(3:46:16 PM) McCullster: sometimes mommy brings me fiber bars from the gym to help me go potty
(3:47:19 PM) McCullster: and even sometimes, mommy brings home a big strong man with big muscles for me to play with
(3:48:06 PM) McCullster: I tell him that if he wants to put his big daddy in mommys hoohah that he has to take a piece of my shit and crush it in his buttock muscles
(3:48:34 PM) McCullster: sometimes water comes out
(3:48:59 PM) McCullster: luckily I don't get blamed for the mess
(3:49:26 PM) McCullster: because the dog comes in and licks it up
(3:49:40 PM) McCullster: and then magically, it finds its way back outside!

There ya go.  I love fucking off at work sometimes.  I come up with the most random stories in my head.