I once almost bought Canadian Exten-Z because it just felt good to buy something illegal. Okay, so it might not be illegal, but it's certainly shady.
Yesterday was yet another one of those spamming IM's hitting my screen name. It was from a very cute young girl (according to her avatar) named Cristen who thought she was awesome. Well guess what? She was incredibly stupid.
I enjoy fucking with spammers. It's a glorious treat for me if I get to do it in a day. There are no repercussions, no shame, and you can say whatever the fuck you want to them and not get looked down upon. They are the scum of the Earth. Nobody on the face of the planet (Westboro Baptist Church members, Mexicans who can't speak English, friends or racist white supremacists) all hate spammers.
I'm just exercising my asshole muscles for the big game (when there is a big game).
I'll try and walk you through my thought process on this and explain a little bit as I go. But here is an actual transcript of an instant messaging conversation between me and Cristen. (cue Rescue 911! music)
cristenizawesome - this site has a free laptop for 10 ppl only hurry i got one (insert SPAM link here)
The IM above was sent a day earlier in hopes of catching me off guard. I was away from my computer at home when this happened. She sent her IM. This is usually where they stop. They send one and move on to the next unsuspecting victim.
cristenizawesome - heyaa!
cristenizawesome - hey
Finally I am able to see her IM and respond.
mccullster - yes?
cristenizawesome - hey
cristenizawesome - ...
Don't know why there is a pause here. I guess little Cristen was getting her link ready to spam me yet again.
mccullster - yes?
cristenizawesome - have we chatted b4?
mccullster - I think you got spammed
Okay. Here I am just laying it out for her. Sometimes peoples IM accounts do get hacked and they send out random shit to all of their friend's IM list or e-mail list. Just trying to be the stand up guy and let her know that something might be amiss. She needs to change her password.
cristenizawesome - nah, I am a vegetarian... no spam for me! haha
This is where the jig is up. Nobody is this retarded. This is where I say "fuck it" and know that the spammer still has control of the IM account.
mccullster - uh yeah, I don't want a free laptop for 10 people......
cristenizawesome - ofcourse babe
mccullster - So did you get hacked? Or do you normally try and sell laptops
cristenizawesome - ohh sry im forgetful sometimes.
mccullster - awwww, that's too bad. I'm sure it was a great deal on a laptop
Fishing for a link! Come on! It was an easy setup. In every salesman, spammer and the like, I know there is usually a switch that the person goes from "normal" to "salesman" over and back again. It could be Cousin Larry having a conversation with your aunt telling him that he needs to buy a new car, and then from across the room some douchebag will overhear "I want to buy a new car." and come over to give his sales pitch.
cristenizawesome - so anyways whats up?
mccullster - Not much. Just looking to buy a laptop
mccullster - you?
Again. I know it's there.
cristenizawesome - oh cool! hey you wanna see if you can beat my iq score? its really fun
mccullster - uh, that's okay, I can already tell by your typing and how you spell stuff I will probably beat you
mccullster - no worries though
The "dickness" has slowly started. Part of me feels bad for telling some little Cristen chick (who I know I can beat in an IQ test) that she's stupid. The other part of me says, "Don't worry, it's probably just some 34 year old dude in a shitty apartment somewhere selling stolen goods on eBay.
cristenizawesome - k go here (insert SPAM link here) and click on the start button
mccullster - no thanks
mccullster - what do you need an iq test for? Your screenname says your awesome?
All chicks have to do is flaunt their sexuality a little bit and they'll get whatever they want. Getting out of a speeding ticket? Flash some cleavage and you'll be able to do it. It's a little harder for a dude though. I can't really flaunt my ballsack.
cristenizawesome - Jenny
Don't know why she said that?
mccullster - Steve
cristenizawesome - after u finish the questions you got to put your cellphone number in to get your score k?
mccullster - oh awesome, so then they'll wire me my 10.5 million dollars from Cambodia right?
mccullster - man, that's awesome
mccullster - you're awesome Jenny/Cristen
cristenizawesome - let me know when your done i wanna know what u got k??
mccullster - done
30 seconds had passed. There is no fucking way I can complete an in depth IQ test in that time. Yet, Cristen thinks it's possible.
mccullster - 145 IQ
cristenizawesome - k cool!
mccullster - now it would be great if you would just send me my free laptop and new cell phone or wire me my 10.5 million dollars
cristenizawesome - ofcourse babe
mccullster - there's a supposed to be a space between ofcourse
mccullster - not helping your IQ score there
cristenizawesome - you done yet?
I really think at this point that the spammer had had enough, and broke his cover to just say this. Maybe she suffers from Memento disease? You know, where you can't make new memories? You just go back in time every 15 minutes and forget everything before it? Maybe that happened? But wait. This was literally only 10 seconds ago? Man, that must be rough for her.
mccullster - with the test? yeah
cristenizawesome - ohh i got a 113 tell me what you got.
mccullster - I already told you
mccullster - and 113 is borderline retarded
mccullster - My cousin Sami Salo sometimes eats his own shit out of the toilet and he's a 122
--(end transmission)--
