November 25, 2008 -
Well, I'm off to see the family in Tennessee, and figured I would leave you with some funny sayings that I ran across on the internet. Take them all to heart, there were a lot more but all of these tickled my fancy (and my cockles). This is my sense of humor. This is me through other peoples words. Take them for yourself, read them and enjoy them. Should make for an interesting read I promise you that........
See you guys on Tuesday of next week when I get back! You guys have a very safe and happy Thanksgiving. I'll be at happy hour on the next Tuesday (Dec. 2nd) to let everyone know what I think of Ghostbusters: The Video Game, and every subsequent Tuesday after that until I beat the game! WOOHOO! Still fucking excited about that shit........
I like long walks on the beach, listening to music... BUT I FUCKING HATE MEDIUM-LENGTH WALKS ON THE BEACH!
People that wear lanyards around their neck are wearing the gold medal for douchebaggery.
You think that your college roommate is probably the worst you'll ever have. Then you go to prison....
I hate everything paraplegics stand for.
Do homeless people in Venice tread water?
I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner. I know how books work.
I've always fancied myself as a sort of "Renaissance Man", in that my lack of hygiene and sanitation knowledge has caused the death of almost every single member of my family by way of plague.
Adding 10 vitamins & minerals to Lucky Charms is like putting a bouncy castle in Nazi Germany.
I know I'm dealing with an idiot when someone tells me "nothing rhymes with orange", because nothing and orange don't sound anything alike.
Darth Vader...worst hide-and-go-seek player ever.
I've never been in an orgy, but I did bang a carny in a House of Mirrors. There were 87 of us.
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."
You mark my words highlighter! You mark my words...
I don't think old women should be allowed to drive...What a minute. Did I say "old" in there? Take that out then.....
On her deathbed, my grandma asked just one thing of me: to make sure she was buried next to grandpa, which didn't leave me a whole lot of time to kill and bury him.
The term "the night is young" always makes me feel weird about having sex in it so often.
Help a family find a lost pet... Tell them where you buried it.
When I was in the 6th grade the bigger kids would constantly beat me up. So I started working out every day after school, and before I knew it I was strong enough to break open my dad's gun chest.
"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.
The hardest part about my grandmother's death was making it seem like an accident.
What all Chinese fortune cookies should say: You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.
People always say the worst thing is when you finish shitting and realize there is no more toilet paper. I think the worst thing is when you finish shitting and realize you're in the shower.
I wonder if some registered sex offenders are just really shy people who needed an excuse to introduce themselves to their neighbors.
Being homeless is just camping but the forest is urban. And a bear ate all your food.
My girlfriend saw me on the toilet and got so grossed out. I was like, "Everybody does it." And she was all like, "Let me finish peeing first."
I think twins are proof that god is kinky.
My friend likes to brag that his balls are like bowling balls. I guess it's true, though, considering they're very dirty and open for public use. And mostly dudes handle them.
"Pee onto others as you would have them pee onto you." That's the Golden Shower Rule.
They say dog is man's best friend. Which makes the fact that my girlfriend slept with my dog even more unacceptable.
They say that chicks dig scars, but try telling that to the last six women I've stabbed.
There Will Be Blood is easily the best name ever for a period piece.
If professional golfers choose to take the day off or retire, would they start to do actual work?
"I just flew in from the battered women's shelter and boy are my arms tired!"
I would give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
I always hated getting cut in line when I was a kid, so obviously I was glad when my school finally installed metal detectors.
Women are a lot like cats:
No matter how much raw fish you give them, they'll still think you're weird and ignore you.
I'd masturbate five times in one day, but I don't want to be a sore loser.
Live life as a dog would. If you cant eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
One major advantage to being in a coma? Free beard.
Could whoever is giving homeless people markers please stop? Their signs are really bumming me out.
My ex-girlfriend always had a soft spot for my roommate. Unfortunately it was her vagina.
The type of dog you have says a lot about your personality, especially if the dog is dead.
Being white sucks. When we put metal stuff in our mouth we have to call them braces.
I ran into a friend yesterday and he asked me to help him move, but I didn't feel like it so I said I had other plans. I just hope for his sake someone said yes and he isn't still in the middle of road, sitting in his wheelchair.
-"You're schizophrenic? that's insane!"
-"You have OCD? That's so neat!"
-"You got a vasectomy? That's nuts!"
NASCAR is a lot like life:
It's long, boring, loud, it goes around in circles forever and you are always surrounded by idiots.
I think the government should give delicious meat coats to the homeless next winter. No one should have to be cold and hungry. They should be able to choose their fate.
Similarities between prison inmates and the kids I babysit:
1. Regulated schedules for eating, sleeping, and free time.
2. People are paid to watch over them.
3. They save piss in a container to throw in my face.
Worst Parents Ever...
Buy you Bugles chips, then tell you not to play with your food.
Time heals all wounds . . . except amputations.
Do you think it's rude for deaf people to talk with food in there hands?
I wish I lived in Alabama so my state was at the top of drop down menus. No other reason.
I recently tried Trident whitening gum. That sh*t is powerful. Immediately after chewing I bought all 11 seasons of Frasier on DVD.
If there's one thing I've learned about women, it's that they can't stand peeing.
Out of sight, out of mind. That's just mean, since I don't think ALL blind people are crazy.
Drunk people are a lot like dogs: They're loud, excitable, horny, piss on the furniture and sometimes need to spend the night in a cage.
Is the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?
CoinStar is the greatest invention ever, and anyone who disagrees has obviously never tried snorting coke with a quarter.
I would KILL to live in a jail cell for 18 to 25 years.
The doctor said my grandpa had the lungs of a 9-year-old... who'd been smoking for 70 years.
Every guitar is an air guitar when you're deaf.
There's no use crying over spilled milk unless your tears are chocolate syrup.
Dial-up is a lot like giving birth. It's painful, slow, and you'll probably scream and bleed at some point, but at least at the end you're rewarded with a naked person.
I just got back from Mexico. Everybody's lawn looked amazing.
Just kidding, they were all covered with car parts.
If you can't find a word that rhymes with "orange," then you are uncreative, unimaginative, and unglorange.
I was fired from my last job. Officially, it was due to "budget cutbacks," but that's bullsh*t, becuase I easily embezzled thousands of dollars from that company.
Canadians are not afraid of Mexicans because they have a huge fence called "America."
The only thing worse than standing next to your waiter at the urinal is standing next to your waitress at the urinal.
They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?
The sick zombie says, "I'm not feeling so well so I'm sh*tting your brains out..."
Homeless people are like squirrels. They're fun to watch from a distance, but the closer you get, the more you just want to throw rocks at them.
When people tell me that cigarettes contain ammonia, which is also found in dog sh*t, it doesn't make me want to smoke any less. It just makes me think a little more highly of dog sh*t.
Call me crazy, but when I hear my dog barking, I know there's a ghost in the room... because my dog died two years ago.
Expiration dates are the original spoiler alerts.
I just don't understand women. I can never tell if a woman is looking at me because she's interested, or because she's wondering why I'm staring at her crotch.
I like watching local news in Spanish, because at least you learn something.
It's crazy all the things that you used to be able to get away with as a kid but are frowned on when you're an adult, like making out with 6th graders.
I used to think adults were awesome, until I learned what "Phone tag" really was.
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're suffering from severe bronchitis.
All it will take is one hateful, spite-filled seeing eye dog at an intersection to ruin it for the rest of them.